I'm in the dressing room of Marshall's and I'm literally trapped in a garment. The shape wear I decided I needed to try on is so tight I can't move out of the contorted position I am in. Completely caught in a web of flesh toned spandex, I contemplate the potentially-panicked conversation I'll need to have with the associate in charge of the fitting room area.
"Um, hello? Um... Miss?! Yeah... can you please come down to my room for a second? See my foot sticking out from under the door? Yes! That's me!! Yeah, so I have this sausage casing thing on and I can't move my shoulder blade any farther in order to get out of the- yes, I'm stuck in Spanx. I'm sure this has happened on several occasions to other women trying them on... Oh it hasn't? Huh, well maybe other people have been too scared to ask for help. Could you, um, help me get the-wait wait WAIT! My arm doesn't bend that way! Who do you think I am? Gumby? *breathing hard* I think the strap that's caught around my trachea is making me light headed... what did you say? Oh... yeah, no. I didn't know it was supposed to be this tight and no, I didn't know I was supposed to 'step into it'. Thanks for that bit of info. Okay, let's just take it up and over, because I'm beginning to feel a little claustrophobic now."
Fortunately for me, I didn't have to worry about that conversation. I realized if I would just disconnect the straps and roll the whole thing down, I'd be able to get out safely with minimal help. But it took me about ten minutes to get to that point.
It's tough to focus on anything else in the world when you're feeling, well, bulbous. You can pick out clothes you normally feel svelte in and for some reason you now feel like a stuffed sausage. Blouses don't graze your curves - they get bunched under your arms and around your chest, making you feel dowdy and thick. Even draping fabrics contribute to a more pregnant silhouette. And I can only say this next part from experience - my height coupled with my horrible body image makes me feel even worse. Like I'm a huge lumpy mess on two pencils, towering over everyone else like a 5'8" ice cream cone.
So why the reason to stuff myself into shape wear today? What could have possibly made me think it was a good idea to force NASA-grade spandex on my ass? Because I wanted to know what my backside would look like without the bulges. What I would feel like running my hands over my hips and not getting caught on my waistline on the way down. It was like night and day, kids. I felt smooth and yet still curvy in all the right places. Meghan Trainor may be all about that bass, but I prefer my bass to be like smooth jazz.
I bought the sausage casing, left the store, and went home and made brownies while wearing said casing. I felt like I was both in control and comforted at the same time. The Spanx were giving my butt the hug it needed and deserved, while the brownies reminded me I'm an hourglass because it suits me. And chocolate and peanut butter will always help me out of tough situations.
Fudgy Peanut Butter + Chocolate Brownies
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
2 1/4 cups sugar
1 1/4 cups Dutch-process cocoa
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
4 large eggs
1 1/2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
1 cup dark chocolate chips
1 cup peanut butter chips (optional)
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Butter a 9"x13" pan and set aside.
In a medium saucepan over medium-low heat, melt the butter completely down. Temporarily remove the pan from the heat and whisk in the sugar. Bring back to the heat and whisk until hot and the sugar begins to break down. Don't let it boil - it just needs to get hot and start to break down a little. It should become shiny as your stir. Heating it the second time ensures you'll get a beautiful shiny, crackly surface on your brownies!
Remove from the heat and stir in the cocoa. Pour into a large bowl.
Add the salt, baking powder, and vanilla, whisking until just combined. Add the eggs one at a time, whisking after each addition. Switch from a whisk to a wooden spoon or a spatula and stir in the flour until it just disappears. Over mixing will make for tough brownies. Fold in the chocolate chips.
Use an offset spatula to spread half the brownie batter in the pan. It may look like you don't have enough brownie batter to spread around - just keep spreading to each corner. If you are using the peanut butter chips, sprinkle them evenly over the brownie batter. Dollop the rest of the brownie batter over the peanut butter chips and spread again, carefully going edge to edge, covering the chips.
Bake in the oven for 28-30 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. You can also test the doneness by tapping the edges and the middle. If the edge is firm and the middle is just set, it's done. Remove the pan from the oven and set onto a wire rack until completely cool before cutting and serving.
